I was asked to tell my story for church. This is something so scary for me…but if what I went through helps ONE person, then it was so worth it. Oddly enough, this weekend one year ago (really June 14th, but this weekend will be June 12th!) is when I went to my church for the first time. Life is so different now…so…without further ado, here we go.

The Day That Ended My Life

This was me one year ago. One year ago when I thought I was happy. When I thought that my life was perfect. I had just had a baby 3 months prior, my 3 year old was doing great, and I had a husband of almost 4 years who I thought things were going ok with. We had been fighting lately, but I didn’t think anything of it (…seemed like normal husband/wife stuff to me!) We had just started talking about making a big move to Florida and started getting our ducks in a row for that. We had just also found out that our son was possibly on the autism spectrum, and working hard to figure out the best plan of action for him. Most of all, we were generally happy.  Then…my life as I knew it ended on May 28th, 2015.

The day started out a little bit different, as I had to get up super early because I had a sunrise session. Normally I do my shoots in the evening, but my clients wanted to do an early shoot due to baby being cranky in the evening, so I agreed. Everything went great! I got home, and we hung out as a family as normal. My husband had an appointment to get his haircut that evening at the mall, so we had made plans that I was going to walk the kids around the mall while he got his haircut and then we would all have dinner together in the food court. Seemed like a normal day. Around 1pm, my husband told me that he needed to go to the store to get water to make formula bottles (as our 3 month old was breastfeeding and supplementing at the time.) I told him that I thought we had enough, but he was insistent so I didn’t think anything of it. As he left, we joked around, and I even shot him with my son’s nerf gun as we laughed. Things seemed completely normal.

As we had made plans that evening, I thought he would come home and we would go to the mall together. So I got the kids ready and waited for him as I knew his hair appointment was at 3. I noticed that he had been gone for a long time getting the water for the bottles…and so I checked my phone to see what time it was. I saw it was 2:45 and there was no way he would make it in time to come get us and get to his hair appointment, so I texted him asking “I thought the plan was for us to come to the mall with you?” and then I got no response. I thought that was so weird, so I gave him a call. It rang once, went to voicemail. “Hmm…” I thought to myself. “That doesn’t seem right!” So I called again. Rang once, went to voicemail. I tried several times…partly because I was worried, and partly because I thought my phone was messing up. I texted him several more times.

“?? What is going on?”
“Babe? What is happening?”
“Are you mad at me?”
“You’re really freaking me out??”

No response. So I called him ONE more time and told him if he didn’t answer then I was going to have to call the authorities because I was assuming something had happened to him. Then I got the email. AN EMAIL. Telling me that he was leaving to Florida to “figure things out” and if I wanted to talk to him then I could talk to his lawyer.

WHAT!!! You mean he’s leaving me with our two kids to fend for ourselves? The email said nothing about him wanting a divorce, but things were just too open ended. So I lost it. My stomach turned inside out. My heart shattered into a million pieces. He wanted nothing to do with me and I didn’t understand why. I was so broken, I thought I would die. was experiencing heartbreak for the first time in my life and it was the worst feeling I had EVER felt. So I called my mom and told her that he left. I called my best friend Sarah and told her I needed her to come over immediately. And then I fell to the floor and wept. So many things were unanswered. Thankfully Sarah stayed the night with me so I didn’t have to be alone.

And that’s what was the worst day of my life.

…or so I thought.

The Real Reason

Days passed. I was on autopilot. To be honest the next week and a half is a complete blur to me at this point because I am not even sure what happened when I look back on it.  I was in a fog. I had a few sessions that I had to continue on with, because if I was going to be a single mom now, it was super important for me to make money. I had so many questions for my husband, but I wasn’t allowed to talk to him. I wrote a long letter to his lawyer pouring out my heart, but that never went answered. I was just left in limbo. So…for the first time in a very long time I prayed. I remember laying down on the couch, crying out to God. You see, I had turned away from God a long time ago. I didn’t need Him. I didn’t understand why he took my sister from this earth at 18. I didn’t understand why he had me fall pregnant when I was unmarried (uh hello Amanda, this is your fault lol) and I didn’t understand why I lost several friends because of that at a Christian school that I went to for college. But at this point I was desperate. I NEEDED answers. I NEEDED to know where to go from here. So I turned to Him.

“God, please tell me what is going ON!” I remember yelling out. “I just need to know answers! I will do whatever you want me to. I will go to church. I will stop running away from You! Please just give me answers. I am desperate here.” I prayed. “Am I supposed to get a divorce? Am I supposed to file? What do I DO!?”

That evening, I had a session…so I dropped the kids off with my mom and went to do my photoshoot. When I came back to get them, she told me to sit on the couch. We were on her cell phone bill because we decided to stick with the family plan after we had lived with her for a year. It wasn’t a big deal, but she told me she had been doing some research on the numbers that he had been calling for the past year and a half. She wanted to know where the heck he had gone. Turns out, there were 7+ escorts on the list over the last year and a half. (You know…the modern day name for prostitutes)  and not only that, but he was still using the phone and was texting like crazy with one of the girls. So… I knew ultimately why he left. He was cheating on me. “How could I have been so STUPID???” I thought to myself. Now that I thought about it, there were so many signs. Him not wanting me to look at his phone. The lack of intimacy in our relationship for the past few YEARS. I chalked it up to us being so busy with the kids and him being so busy with work…but now it made sense. It was a huge stressor in our marriage.  In the end, God had answered my prayer…I got my answer. I knew what I had to do.

Home

As soon as I got home from my mom’s, I thought long and hard about what I was about to do. I made an appointment to meet with a lawyer. Then, I went online and googled “churches in Leander, TX”…since I knew I needed to follow through with my promise to God. The first one that popped up was called Rockpointe Church and it looked interesting so I clicked on it. As a read through the website, it sounded like the perfect place for me to go. They were all about Helping People Heal From Life’s Hurts…which is what I needed. Then I noticed on the front homepage that there was a picture of a photographer taking a photo (as the message series that month was called Reframe) and I just knew that was where I was meant to go. So I decided that that Sunday I would go there.

Saturday rolled around, and I was so nervous about going to church the next morning. I hadn’t ever “belonged” to a church in my life. I didn’t know if there was something special I was supposed to do, or if I just showed up…so the night before I went I joined the Facebook group and asked. I met some super nice people there and they told me exactly what I needed to do to make the morning go smoothly. When Sunday came, I felt confident. I wasn’t scared, I knew this was what I needed to do because I had promised it to God, and it just seemed so right. I remember that day was rainy, so I pulled my 3 month old out of the car, I pulled my 3 year old out of the car, and we walked through the doors.

I knew we were home.

It was just a feeling that I couldn’t explain. Like I was supposed to be there. I got them all checked in, and went to the service. Everything went great, and honestly, I felt as if the pastor was talking directly to me. After the service, they said that they were doing baptisms that day. So I decided that would be the day I got baptized. I left the service, and signed up. I had always wanted to get baptized, but never had the opportunity since I didn’t grow up in church. The next service, I was baptized. I felt like this was the first day of the rest of my life.

Being Set Free

Through church, I joined a small group, I joined a divorcecare group, and with the help of God, my amazing new friends in these groups, my old friends, and family… I picked myself up. That doesn’t mean I  had my moments of sheer craziness though. I had my moments of “I can’t pick myself up off the floor” because I was in completely despair. I had my moments of anger…but the biggest thing I dealt with was envy. Why does he get to go off and live this amazing life in Florida? Why am I stuck back here with a baby and a 4 year old? Why do I have to deal every day with a child who has special needs? Why me? Why does he get to go live this life? Why did he leave me to do it by myself? I was envious of this fantasy world that he got to go live in, while I sat back and picked up the pieces alone. I HATED being alone. I hated not having someone there to have my back. I hated not having someone there that could just hold me when times got rough. So again, I turned to God, and He showed me that I needed to channel my negative energy into forgiveness.

Ephesians 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Divorce is a scary place. I was absolutely sick at what he had done. Choosing to forgive him wasn’t easy. It was like a library book that I had to check out over and over again. But now that I have forgiven him, I feel free. I understand your feelings. “Forgive? No way!”… but God commands us to forgive. Forgiveness was about getting my heart right with God. Even if my ex isn’t sorry for what he did, I didn’t want to put off forgiveness. Unforgiveness leads to bitterness, it blocks your relationship with God, it’s an emotional prison. It eats at you, it hurts relationships with others, and it’s just a road of misery. I wasn’t going to have it anymore.  I have to say that once I forgave, it set me free.

The D word

On December 28th, 2015 we were officially divorced.

In the 7 months it took from the time he left until I stood in front of the judge, I learned so much about myself. I didn’t realize I was actually very depressed when my husband was around…and that I didn’t know who I was. Before he left, I never cared about how I looked, how I dressed…I didn’t like to put effort into my makeup or hair…and couldn’t remember when I showered last. Now that he’s gone, I am putting makeup on again. I am doing my hair, caring about my appearance…(and yes, I shower now…lol) I am cultivating a relationship with Jesus, and I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. I am learning more and more about my likes, dislikes…and becoming the woman that I strive to be. Through Christ, I can do all things. Including learning about me and growing in Him.

I have learned that what happened is NOT all my fault. Sure, I could have been a better wife, I think all of us wives could be in some areas…but what my husband chose to do does not have anything to do with me. And I know that. I am not condemned by what happened. Divorce is not an unforgiveable sin. Just because it happened to me doesn’t mean I am going to Hell. I know that through Him, I have strength, and He got me through the storm.

The Rainbow at the End of the Storm

So here I am. One year later. I made it out of the storm with my dignity in tact.

She is clothed in strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future- Proverbs 31:25

Recently, God answered my prayer that I didn’t want to be alone. I had joined a dating site after finally feeling like I wanted to move on…and after about 5 dates with 5 different people, I was just about ready to give up. Then a wonderful man came into my life. I feel like he is the one I have prayed for. It’s all about timing…and I have learned that things will never work out if you do it on your time. They all need to happen in His time, and I am finally ok with that. Life is settling down, and I am finally happy again.

I always have a stupidly happy smile on my face. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. When I look back on the last year, and I think about all of the things that happened, I can’t believe how God has worked in my life. If I didn’t go through the pain I went through, I wouldn’t be sitting here telling this story to you. I wouldn’t have met all of the amazing friends (that are really family), and I wouldn’t have met my new guy in my life. He makes things beautiful in it’s time (Ecclesiastes 3:11)…and I am so excited to see what God does with my life. Life is beautiful, and you can choose to have bad things consume it…or you can give it all to Him and LET GO. I am choosing to let GO and let GOD.

In the end, that awful day DIDN’T end my life. It’s only just begun. It WASN’T the worst day of my life. It was the best day of my life, and I am so thankful it happened and that I am here now.

 

*warning…this story is kinda graphic…with a graphic photo at the end…so if you are a queasy person, I urge you to stop reading now 🙂 If you’re not queasy…keep reading, I am amazed by what I have learned*

So the other day, I was making sweet potato tacos for dinner. As I was chopping up the sweet potato, the knife slipped and cut off about a quarter of the tip of my finger. It hurt SO bad…I thought I was going to pass out. I screamed, I yelled some expletives…and it was the worst pain that I had personally experienced (aside from childbirth.) Then…as I finally got the bleeding to stop by the help of my best friend and her family…it went numb. The pain was still there slightly, but there really wasn’t much pain. The next day, as I was going to change the dressing, I noticed that the gauze was stuck to the wound. It wouldn’t come off, no matter WHAT I tried. Per Dr. Google, I tried soaking it in saline, soaking it in olive oil, and finally soaking it in hydrogen peroxide…which finally got the job done. The peroxide soak was the most painful thing ever. It hurt more than when I sliced my finger. But ever since then, I feel SO much better. The wound has started to heal…it still hurts a little bit, but I know in just a few short days…it will be healed. It may never look the same as it did, but it won’t hurt and will be functional again.

I have noticed that this is such an amazing metaphor for the past year of my life. When my ex left, it hurt SO bad. I thought I would die. I was so upset…and after a little while, I went numb. I tried to find my self worth in another person (as a bandaid) and that was not ok. When we made some bad decisions, it ripped that wound back open again. It hurt so much….much like that gauze getting ripped off of my wound. Then, I turned to Jesus. Wanting to know more about Him…wanting to be close to Him. I want to please Him in everything that I do, and not be of the flesh. My wound in my heart is finally healed…and although it may never look the same as it once did, it’s not hurting anymore. I am not worrying about finding my self worth in anyone but Him, because that is all that matters. I am ready to love again. My heart is functional again.

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” – Psalm 73:26

This is me.

I have been through hell and back in the past year. Life got really really crappy. And then it became amazing. Then…it got crappy again. Now…it’s becoming amazing again. In the past year, I have been hurt by not only my ex-husband…but also myself. Getting back to God has been a journey…and now I feel like I have the strongest relationship that I have ever had with Him. It hasn’t all been a walk in the park.

I came back to God in June of 2015. It was right after my ex left our family. I was broken. I needed a savior (let’s face it, I still do and always will!) and so I visited a church. There I fell in love with Jesus once again. Things were great. I was healing and everything was wonderful…and then I made some bad decisions. It’s something I wish that I could take back. I wish I could go back and that the outcome would have turned out differently… but in the end…what happened, happened. I can pray over and over for a redo, but if God isn’t wanting it…then I have to accept that. I am not going to get too far into the details, because that’s not the point of this.

My biggest problem is that I was trying to find my worth in another person. That couldn’t have been more wrong.

One thing I have learned is that when you become a Christian or come back to Christianity, that doesn’t make you a perfect person. Nobody can be perfect except for Jesus himself. We all do things that are not ok in the eyes of the Lord. You know what though? He has SO much grace for us. This doesn’t mean you should go out and do bad things and then just ask God for forgiveness later. It doesn’t work that way. We should strive to be like Him in all that we do…but we are human and make mistakes. I know He forgives me for what happened…and therefore, I have been working on me. I am working on being a better person so I can pour out into the people around me…because that’s truly what I believe my calling is.

People always tell me how strong I am. They always wonder how I am doing it alone, or how I am getting through the days. The answer is plain and simple. God. If it weren’t for Him, I don’t know where I would be or what I would be doing. He is the reason that I breathe and the very reason I wake up every single morning. My strength comes from Him. My worth comes from Him. I have no other explanation for it. I used to think that that answer was absolutely crazy. So many bad things have happened in my life to where I questioned God and who He was…without really realizing that he was there for me the whole time. My friend shared this awesome song with me by Morgan Harper Nichols yesterday, and it explains my life so much.

“The mountain where I climbed. The Valley where I fell. You were there all
along. That’s the story I’ll tell. You brought the pieces together. Made me this
storyteller.”

So what is my point to all of this? My point is that I am not perfect. We are all broken. The cool thing is that this is how the light gets through the cracks. Once that happens…you can pour into others and live out His will. I have learned that my worth does not come from any other person or thing. It comes from God and once I realized that, I am TRULY becoming the happiest person that I have ever been in my life. I know it’s His work, because I never could have gotten here alone. You are not alone. Your worth doesn’t come from other people. It doesn’t come from your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, etc. Let him wrap his arms around you.

This is me. Stronger than I ever have been. And I owe it all to Him. In turn, I am falling in love with myself…and that’s something I have never done.

She is clothed in strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future.
Proverbs 31:25

I was hoping that I would never have to see your face. I tried really hard to ensure that I would never even have to learn your name, but social media and its passively cruel games in hopes of connecting people together had another plan. I didn’t recognize your face, or your name, but I definitely recognized the man with you in your photo. And my world stopped turning. I know what you’re thinking right now-crazy ex-wife is stalking your profile because you’re dating her ex-husband and she’s mad. And jealous. And sad. And I don’t blame you, but, you would be wrong on so many levels. My world stopped turning because I was overcome with fear for you. You look so innocent. Your smile looks genuine, kind. You seem happy. I recognize your smile and that picture because it was mine 8 years ago, standing next to the same man you are now, probably thinking the same happy thoughts.

You see, my ex-husband is not who he’s making himself out to be in this very moment. He is not the charming, happy, loving, affectionate person who you believe that you have found. I’m sure he has told you that he’s divorced (and some not-so-pretty “things” about me), and maybe even a little bit of his family history, and maybe even a few other quips of smaller things in his life that he has “overcome”, enough to make you feel badly for him, proud of him for where he is today, and even a little lucky for being with someone who has been through what he has. He is a broken bird who which you instinctively want to save, but my darling girl, you simply cannot. He will eventually stop smiling. He will eventually stop the affection.

I’m sure your family is a loving, supportive group of people and you will want to involve him in this because you love him (or will love him) and also a small part of you hopes that your family will rub off on him and give him something he never had. Let me make this clear: he did have it. He had (and has) a wonderful family that he CHOSE to do the things he did to, not the other way around. He had all the love and support and sunshine and rainbows and butterflies and puppies that anyone could ever ask for-and it still wasn’t good enough. I’m sorry, but you and your family will never be good enough. Not for this type of man. Mine is still healing from him as well. The truth about this man is simple: he does not know how to love. He believes in a love and a life that isn’t real, and therefore, he will never truly be happy. And when he isn’t happy, bad things happen. Life changing things. I can sit here and name every horrible thing that occurred throughout our relationship and marriage, but I don’t think you want to hear it, and frankly I have worked extremely hard to stop reliving it. But it’s an everyday fight for me. The wounds on my body have healed, but the scars that have remained are deep.

So I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I allowed him to believe that what he was doing to me was right for as long as I did, because now he very well could do this to you. I’m sorry that his lies and his games were so convincing that I wholeheartedly believed him, because now he thinks they are bulletproof. You may still be thinking that this is all just a vindictive move against him, and that’s okay. I get it. I didn’t want to listen to it either when I was you. But you have to know that I have nothing to gain from this. My life is amazing, it’s peaceful, and it’s complete. I have my family. I have nothing to gain from you leaving my ex-husband. But you do. You get to keep that beautiful smile of yours. You get to have a future that doesn’t include worrying if he’s really where he says he is. Or with who he says he’s with. Or if you’re good enough. Or if he really meant to say the things he did. Or above all, if your night will end in variations of happiness, or with your body on the floor. You get to remain you, scar-free, and happy. I have worked tirelessly to get back to the human I was before him, and while I know I’m forever changed, having my sense of person back has been the best feeling I could ask for-and exactly why I don’t want you to ever lose it in the first place. And I can promise you, you are worth that.

I never wanted to know who his next victim was. I never wanted to know the next woman who would have to go through even an ounce of what I did. I never wanted to have to worry or care about the next one, as I’m still and will always be healing myself. And that’s why I never wanted to see your face.

As we reach the end of the year, I thought it would be fun to do a list of things that I am letting go of… leaving them behind and starting fresh! Ready for new and exciting things to enter my life, and giving it all to God. Letting GO! So here we go! Here’s my list!

1. Unforgiveness, bitterness, and resentment. Going into 2016 with a grateful heart for all lessons learned, even tough ones!

2. Halfway love. I will strive to love all…with all of me…as He loves us. John 13:35

3. Expectations. No need for those! Especially unrealistic ones.

4. The need to please. No need to please anyone other than Him…not everyone is going to “get” me and that’s ok!

5. People who make me feel like less. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14

6. Low standards. I am worth so much more than that.

7. The need to apologize for who I am. I am the way I am for a reason!

8. Feeling “less than” for being single. Being single doesn’t define me!

9. Being scared of the uncertainty of waiting. I will embrace it, and know that God has my heart.

10. Overthinking things. That leads to negativity…and ain’t nobody got time for that!

I am ready for this new year to start. What are YOU leaving behind in 2015?

 

Hi! I’m Amanda…

and I am a divorced mama of 2.

Wow. That feels weird! a good weird…but weird! I can’t believe this day has finally come.

My feelings right now:

-Wow…it’s really over. It’s been a LONG 7 months.
-I am really not sad…or mad. I am truly happy! For the first time in…I don’t know how long.
-God is with me. I am not alone…and I don’t feel lonely.
-I am excited for the future!
-For once in my life, I love myself. I am proud of the woman I am becoming.
-I am comfortable in my own skin, and comfortable with being alone. I am also comfortable with the thought of moving on.
-I am so thankful for the support of my friends and family. Without them, I am not sure where I would be.

Interestingly enough, I heard this song (Day One by Matthew West) on the way home from court. Its SO fitting!!! LISTEN HERE!

“Every single day Your grace reminds me that my best days are not behind me…it’s day one of the rest of my life! It’s day one of the best of my life! I’m marchin on to the beat of a brand new drum yeah here I come…the future has begun!”

This is not an end. It’s a start. Ready to do things right this time, with God on my side 🙂